My Awkward Life

I started to write another post about other things and other people, but a few things have happened lately that I wanted to talk about.

The older I get, the more I realize something a little terrifying: most of the people who look like they have their shit together…don’t. They look like they do, but they just don’t. The more I talk to people, the more I realize that this whole facade I’ve fallen for my entire life is just that: a facade. This whole time I’ve been beating myself up thinking I’m nowhere near where I should be and I’m just not as together as anyone else around me. Like I mentioned previously about that song talking about where someone is supposed to be and how I had developed a complex around that word. The truth is, we’re all just kind of going through the motions and acting like we know what we’re doing, but not actually knowing what we’re doing. Don’t get me wrong though, there’s always about a handful of people who really do have their shit together and chances are, you know exactly who those people are. Pay attention to who you’re talking to and what they’re saying and you might notice it too.

My point is that if you’re feeling like I’ve been feeling, don’t. I’ve spent the better part of my adult life worrying about everyone else around me and lately, I’ve just been focusing on my own shit and I feel like I’ve made more progress in the past 3 years than I have in the past 10-12 years. When I learned I’d be graduating a year late, I thought the clock was starting to tick faster for me. When I didn’t go into college right away, the clock started ticking faster and the next thing I know, I’m 20 and I don’t have my AA like most of my peers. I didn’t even know you could graduate with your high school diploma and your AA at the same time until I was in my 20s and then I really started to feel behind on everything. By 22, I did not have my Bachelor’s degree. I think I had started working at Target full time and I thought I was making really good money because I finally hit (I think) a $400 paycheck for 2 weeks’ worth of work. I was working towards my AA on and off for 10 years and throughout that time, I had jobs that I thought were my end game. Like when I came home one day after working at the vet’s office and I told Sheila this might be my career. Little did I know how toxic that place was for my mental health, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, I finally got my AA at 28, took a year off, then busted my ass to get my Bachelor’s before I turned 30. I crammed all that shit into one year and I actually did it…with all A’s. It wasn’t easy at all and I have never challenged myself like that before, but I did and I conquered it. That was the first goal I had ever set for myself and it felt good. All of my goals were always set by other people and I never really felt like my life was my own for that reason.

So, here I am every year looking around and seeing everyone who’s already married with kids and wondering if maybe I should’ve just tried to be straight and get pregnant so I could’ve marked that off of my to-do list. I started kicking myself because the whole reason I didn’t do that was so I didn’t burden my mom and everyone around me with this child that I couldn’t even take care of since I couldn’t even take care of myself. The older I got, though, the more I’ve realized that I’m exactly where I need to be and if I would’ve had a child at that age, I would’ve definitely fucked it up. I’ve done a lot of growing these past few years that I would not have done if I was worried about another life. I’m not saying every young parent screws up their kids, I’m just saying I probably would have. I mean, I literally switched my fucking gender 3 years ago like… okay? I think my 30s are perfect to have kids in because I got all of the nonsense out of my system and I’m on my way to figuring out my shit before bringing someone else into the mix.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that there are a lot of people around you who are probably doing drugs regularly. I always thought cocaine, weed, etc. were “party favors” for parties. I didn’t realize how many people were doing these things and how often they did them. Especially “respectable” people who don’t “seem” like the “type” who would do drugs. It’s just crazy and even though it seems like it’s okay because they’re “functioning addicts/alcoholics”, it’s really not. What happens when they can’t have their fix? Are they just like, “well, shucks! That’s a real bummer!” *snaps finger in front of their body in a swinging motion ending in a fist to indicate a loss* (I don’t know how else to describe that.) Or do you think they will unravel and become a complete psycho because the only thing holding them together is the countdown to their next fix? I’m going to choose the latter.

Also, in school, I didn’t realize how many people were taking Adderall. I just thought everyone around me was just way smarter than I was and who knows, maybe they were. I heard a lot of talk about it and I even thought about trying to get some because maybe it would make everything easier, but I wanted to see if I could do it without shortcuts.

The truth is: a lot of people seem like a lot of things, but they’re probably not. They’re just acting like they are. A lot of depressed people think that everyone around them is just so happy and has no problems at all. That’s just not true. Everyone has some kind of demon or problems they need to deal with.

Let’s talk about social media. Why on Earth would anyone show you the bad parts of their lives when they have the choice to shape their picture-perfect life online? They have the opportunity to build this life they never got to have and everyone just gobbles it all up like it’s completely normal to never have a bad day. Then, these same people who fall for the fairytale lifestyle start to compare their lives to it and notice how unhappy they are. Like, why would anyone actually post a picture or a video of them just crying? That’s so depressing and sad and it’s silly because, by the time you get to where you’re about to push the button to post, you’re so focused on sculpting this post that you calm down and realize you don’t want to post it because that’s not going to fit the rest of your page and the “vibe” you’re going for. Bullshit. Who else has 50 “ugly” photos that are almost identical to the picture you actually post because you have to get that “just right angle”? You know that angle. The “it looks just enough like me to where people aren’t confused about who it is in the picture, but it also doesn’t look so much like me to where I can actually like it because I’ve grown so accustomed to hating the person in the mirror that I think it’s normal to constantly belittle myself but then I’m totally shocked when people around me don’t respect me because I don’t respect myself” angle. (Did you like that run-on sentence?) Anyone else? No? Yeah, me neither… (o.O)

Just kidding, I used to be that person. I’ll own it. So much so that I actually went through and deleted all of my “ugly” pictures from my computer/phone just in case I died and my family was trying to find some pictures of me for my funeral. Now, I’ve gained a lot of weight and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life, but it works for me because now it doesn’t look like I have woman-boobs still, I just look like a chubby guy with man-boobs. I’ve only been wearing graphic tees, so there’s just enough distraction to prevent a doubletake. The facial hair helps too. Anyway, my point was that I just don’t care anymore. This is me and I can’t just change it in the blink of an eye. Losing weight and dieting is so much more than just not eating the french fries and ordering a salad. It’s a mindset and I need to work on that among other things. So, when I see pictures of me that I don’t like, I just either brush it off as a bad angle or that I just need to change something. There are just so many other things to worry about than how I look to other people. I’d rather focus on being a good person and worry about real-world problems than how a picture turned out. I know it seems like I care a lot still since I’m writing about it, but I really don’t care as much as I used to. Obviously, I still care enough to gel my hair and wear matching clothes, but not enough to take 50 pictures to get the right angle any more.

This post isn’t going to be crazy long like my other ones have been, I just wanted to get that off my chest and I’ve actually had the hour to sit down and get this all out in one go. I’ll probably add more thoughts in a later post, but…

That’s All Folks!