This is something I wrote on 3.3.23 and saved it as a draft to come back to later to add to it, but I forgot about it. I have quite a few drafts like this one.
Where do I begin? So many times I’ve had thoughts swirling around in my head, so I sit down and begin a blog post to bleed my feelings into this virtual journal. I then take a deep breath in and breathe out a sigh of relief only to realize I’m still sitting in the chair in my backyard, staring out into space and daydreaming, but my eyes got too dry so I had to blink myself back into reality. The mere thought of trying to stand up to get to my computer chair to get these thoughts into a physical space drains me of almost all of my energy. I’d rather spend the rest of this hour daydreaming about distancing myself from my reality and laying in my dark shed that I’m scared of. Or going and standing in the corner of my yard that I haven’t stood in yet just because I think it might feel lonely since no one has been near it lately. That last one was a split second thought that I realize is me just projecting my own twisted reality onto my yard. I’ve been self-isolating for a while now and I think I’ve just created this lonely bubble that’s slowly transforming into a vacuum.
Today, I clearly pushed past it because I’ve been thinking for a while now and I think I’m ready to let my keyboard do the talking. (I was going to say “I think I’m ready to let my fingers do the talking”, but that can be interpreted in so many ways that it’s not even worth it. Why am I still typing this?)
The other night, I started thinking about cancer and how it’s your body attacking your body. There’s almost nothing that can be done about it besides medical intervention and even then, it’s like… “let’s make sure to give you just enough poison to kill the part of your body that’s overtaking the rest of your body, but not enough to kill you, the host of this shit show.” (Of course there are the natural routes, but I don’t know enough about it to really write about it.) What do you do when your mind starts attacking your body, though? When there’s nothing really wrong with you, it’s just your brain. The thing that makes you, you. The thing that you’re supposed to trust to interpret the world around you? What happens if that part becomes a little demented and weird? Or maybe it becomes a lottle demented and weird. (Like that new word?) And how do you know when your reality is no longer aligning with everyone else’s reality? I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of realities that just don’t align at all. Especially from people I’ve trusted most in my life for guidance.
I guess I’ve been trying to cope with a lot of things lately and it’s difficult. I’ve been in my head so much that it gets a little overwhelming to try to express them. Something has to change though because my jaw is literally refusing to open lately and I’m wondering if that is some poetic way the universe is trying to tell me “OPEN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH AND SPEAK YOUR TRUTH!” Or maybe it’s just my body coping with stress with the TMJ that I was diagnosed with 12-13 years ago that I never dealt with. Probably the latter, but the former makes for a better story, right?
I try to err on the side of caution when it comes to anything outside of science lately. Science is proven, it’s why I know that when I throw a ball up in the air, it is definitely coming back down. If it doesn’t, we have some problems. It’s safe and I know what I’m getting with that. I’ve never been religious. I’ve never believed in God, and I’ve always kind of kept it quiet because I felt like I couldn’t be as open as Christians are about “spreading the word of God.” (Not that I’m mocking anyone, I just have to be more gentle in my approach of, “thank you for coming to my door to read your book to me, but after you’ve already read to me for 15 minutes, I have to politely tell you, ‘I appreciate your time and energy, but I just don’t have that same belief.’” Instead of immediately telling you, “I don’t believe, thanks,” and shutting the door to save us both the time and effort when it can be spent elsewhere. But then I’d feel bad that you got your hopes up and I stand there listening to it anyway.)
I’ve gone off on this tangent and forgotten what I was going to say now.
Me, ADHD 2023
Lately, I’ve been getting to the point where I get so overwhelmed that I get tired and want to just lay down. When I have tried to lay down, I’m so uncomfortable and restless that I can’t sleep or even relax. I’m in a constant state of discomfort when I try to avoid my feelings/responsibilities. I’ve also gotten to the point where all of my security blankets are no longer secure. I sometimes feel like no where is home and nothing is comforting. The only comforting thing is that I’m going to die someday and that this is not forever. Then I remember all of my plans and things I’m excited to do or see and it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
Part of me debates posting about all of this because:
- I don’t want people to take this as I’m not happy to be here.
- I’m not going to kill myself or anything. I’m just trying to express myself.
- Isn’t it narcissistic to post this online? Like who do I actually think is interested in this shit?
- But also I post it because I’m hoping that if someone else feels the same way, they know they’re not alone and that it’ll pass.
Being open about feelings or being direct about truths can be uncomfortable, but why? Why can’t I just say that I don’t want to wake up sometimes, but then I get depressed thinking about how sad everybody would be if I didn’t? I also sometimes get around family and I’m so excited to be around people who share a lot of the same genetic make up as I do and who are cut from the same cloth as me that I question why I ever think that way to begin with. Then I remember that it’s not always cut and dry like that. Sometimes it’s messier than just up or down, black or white, 1 or 2, left or right. (Like that little poem?) Sometimes I do want to die, but sometimes I get really scared thinking that’s it.
I think I get so comfortable with death/dying because I have this idea that when I die, I get to be reunited with my dad, or I get to relive all of these amazing moments in my life/watch the whole thing like a movie, or I get to start over. Maybe I get the good end of the stick this time. What if that’s it, though? What if as soon as you close your eyes for the last time, you just become a blip in the vast timeline of the universe? That’s too scary to think about. If this is all it is, then what’s the point, right? Where are the answers to keep us going?
Today is 3.28.23 and I just reread that post. I can remember exactly how I felt. I still feel the same way to an extent, but I think I’m feeling a little better. I think everyone goes through those moments where nothing feels okay or right. Lately, it just feels a little more overwhelming than it used to and I think that’s because I’m getting older and seeing things differently than I used to when I was more self-involved and couldn’t be bothered to learn anyone’s birthdays or favorite colors.
I’m starting to really realize how bad my ADHD is getting and it’s hard to focus on even simple conversations with people. Even when I’m actually interested in them. I’m even having a hard time writing this paragraph right now. Maybe I’ll try to actually write again another day.
My Awkward Life 
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