My Awkward Life

I think about posting on here often and I’m sure I’ve mentioned before how I want to write a post, but the thought of opening up my laptop or clearing my desk so I can write just seems exhausting. I wish I could just upload my thoughts as they come out. I opted for this as my public journal as opposed to a handwritten one because I used to have a handwritten one and I felt like I always misplaced it. Or I’d have anxiety because someone might find it and use something in there against me. I’ve just been feeling so bottled up lately and like I can’t find release anywhere. I’ve cried my eyes out, I bought a pack of cigarettes (gross, I know), I’ve tried drinking, I’ve been thinking of smoking a little weed to see if that helps. I just can’t feel good lately. I have little blips of hope that shine through here and there, but I think when it comes down to it, I’m just depressed. I’ll probably touch on that in a little bit.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted here. I’m not sure if I’ve touched on this yet, but a few years ago, we were living in this second-floor apartment that had outdoor stairs to access. The stairs didn’t have any grip tape on them and I was taking out the trash one day after it rained and slipped on the last step. I landed on my tailbone and was bruised up pretty badly. I didn’t realize the damage that had been done until about a year ago. The only thing I can think of is that I was moving a very heavy box at work, I think I picked it up wrong or something just happened to align and my back started to ache the next day. It just felt like I needed to stretch it out. I would use the corner of my kitchen counter to hold myself up and let the bottom half of my body relax so I could stretch my lower back. I eventually got to the point where I was trying to get into the pool to feel weightless because it was hurting so bad. I couldn’t find relief and then I went to the orthopedic center in town to get some answers. They said I have Degenerative Disc Disease. I tried physical therapy, which didn’t help. I tried to do the injections in my spine, which kind of helped, but not enough to keep trying. They put me on meloxicam and gabapentin which are the only things that even touch the pain lately. I went through a big bottle of Tylenol that didn’t do much for the pain. I got to the point where I was starting to sympathize with people who get addicted to opioids. I thought about even trying them myself. Pain does some crazy things to your brain and body. It got pretty weird for a few months. I was very depressed realizing that my life was never going to be the same and now my body was just always going to be broken. It wasn’t a great feeling, but I got some more answers and now I know I need to get surgery. I’ve been putting it off, but I know I need to get it done.