My Awkward Life

Soulmate means that a person knows you better than you know yourself. They know what you need even when you don’t.

I started writing the above statement on 10.4.24, but I wrote 10.4.23 in the title line by accident. I was so stressed out that I inadvertently time-traveled. If only, right? I was unable to sleep the night I was pre-fired and neither was Sheila. We both tossed and turned until we flipped over and held hands, only then we were finally able to give in to exhaustion and sleep.

I’ve never been a great liar (I don’t think) and I was lying to Sheila like my life depended on it on Thursday. I tried to keep it cool, calm, collected, and treat it as any other day so Sheila wouldn’t have any hints as to what was happening. Not only had she already been through an immense amount of stress on Monday with other issues concerning her family and was having trouble sleeping and eating already, but her birthday was also coming up on Sunday. It’s literally her favorite day of the year, she gets so excited and giddy. This year, it was deeply overshadowed by Monday’s events, so she wasn’t in a very celebratory mood. I was already falling short on festivities because her friend had mentioned how she was going to be in New York City that weekend for her fiancé, so I was going to take Sheila to NYC for the weekend. Her friend was unsure whether she was going to be able to get off of work or not until late Thursday night/Friday afternoon, so I was waiting to buy tickets until then. They were a little pricier than I was comfortable with spending without talking to Sheila. Thankfully, I had waited and I was going back and forth with it. I even admitted to Sheila that I was thinking about doing it to get her feedback on it. I was just going to put it on my credit cards. Smart, I know. I’m very financially responsible, if you can’t tell already.

I decided when I left the office from the meeting I had with W that I would wait until Monday to tell Sheila and her dad anything about what had transpired that morning. Her and her dad both work under me doing deliveries for this company, so that’s why I didn’t want to tell them. Also, I knew Sheila would be devastated because I have sunk 6 years of my life into this job and dedicating everything I had to it.

I was talking to W like we were “in this together” and like “he only had to do what he had to do” because “I understand business is business and it’s not personal.” I said those things because I truly thought I was talking to someone who had made a well-educated decision. I had to ask if he was firing me because he wasn’t being very clear about it. Here’s what I remember from that conversation. He asks me to join him in his office for a minute. Okay, I have a feeling it’s about the recent cutbacks the company has been doing. They did a massive layoff in the beginning of this year and gave everyone 2 weeks before letting them go. Ironically, everyone’s last day was on my birthday. Anyway, so I go to his office, shut the door.

“As you know the company has been in a financial crisis, so we’ve been having to make some cuts. With other vendors, I’ve been terminating their contract immediately.”

Okay, wait, I thought he was going to pull me in to tell me he’s going to have to cut my paychecks back, so I’ll be dropping down to part-time or something. Am I going to have to pick up the slack on these vendors and do more work = more hours? Cool, this is the total opposite of what I was thinking.

“With you, we’re going to ramp everything down for the next 30 days. Then go to an as-needed basis and give you the first bid for any large projects in the future.”

Cue me just staring at him for a full 10 seconds.

Wait. Are you firing me?

“In 30 days, yes. With other vendors, I’ve termed their contract immediately, but I’m giving you 30 days because we value you.”

Wow. Is this final? Is there anything I can say or do to slow this down or prevent this from happening?

“Unfortunately, no. We’re in a crisis and having to ramp everything down.”

What the fuck is happening? Is this even real life right now? The room starts to spin and I’m feeling light-headed.

Okay, so 30 days from today?

“Yes.”

I pull out my phone to check which day that is. November 2nd. The 19th anniversary of my dad’s death. Awesome, sounds great. Thanks, W.

Wow, that’s a really tough day.

I pinch the bridge of my nose for a moment and squint to kink my tear ducts closed as if they’re miniature water hoses waiting to be released. Okay, we’re good, the feeling is gone. I lock my phone and slide it back into my pocket.

Nothing to do with you, just a personal tough day.

He doesn’t know how shitty all of this timing is for me. All he knows is that he has a job to do and he’s doing it, right?

Look, I understand that business is business and it’s nothing personal. This just really sucks and I’m sorry you’re having to have these difficult conversations.

“With most of the vendors, it hasn’t been difficult at all. With you it is because you do have a lot of value, we just can’t sustain a courier department in the company any longer.”

I understand, but I’m not just a courier, I’m pretty much a catch-all drawer. I do almost everything.

“I know, I’ve talked to quite a few people about it and not one person has had anything negative to say about you. We just can’t sustain it.”

I don’t remember much after that, just me giving him advice on remembering to breathe and take personal breaks here and there because I know the job can be intense and rough on a person. Again, I hadn’t realized the amount of knives in my back at this moment.

On the drive out to the warehouse, I’m just in shock. I had my younger cousin, N, with me, he’s been working at the warehouse with me. I should’ve asked him to drive, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was sitting in silence, then finally I broke the silence and told him. He’s young, so his first thought was that he’s probably not going to be able to get his car he’s been saving up for, so he can’t get this other job just yet. He mentioned borrowing his mom or dad’s car to commute. I tried to offer some advice about his photography and starting a business with that. We go through McDonald’s and take it back to the warehouse. I wonder if I should call T and see if she’s hungry. I decide against it because I just lost my job and I’m not quite sure where she stands right now in orchestrating this loss. She had called me first thing in the morning which was unlike her, it’s usually 30 minutes later and she asked if I had gotten to the office yet, then some weird question that had no substance and then the conversation was over. It felt off when it happened and I didn’t realize until later how weird it was.

I get to the warehouse and T is there. I look over and I think she’s on the phone or on the computer? I don’t know, I can’t remember. She’s not looking at me or acknowledging me. She’s acting stressed. Okay, weird. It took everything in me to even get to the warehouse. I felt like I was having an out of body experience, I don’t think it had even sunken in how badly I just got fucked. I set up at the far counter to eat breakfast with N. I got the 2 burrito meal. We take all of our food out of the bag and I notice we got an extra hashbrown. My appetite was quickly diminishing, I just felt like maybe I needed to eat since I was light-headed in W’s office earlier. I had a very strong urge to offer the extra hashbrown and burrito to T because I thought she may be hungry, but I also kept having this feeling that she had just stabbed me in the back. I ended up eating the extra burrito, but leaving the hashbrown. I checked my phone and had a text from my mom.

“W just came in and told us. We had no idea he was doing that. Or else I would have let you known.”

I know. I love you.

I walked over to her and offered the extra hashbrown to her, but she declined. She told me she was too stressed out to eat and to just leave it there, maybe someone will get hungry and eat it later. I hadn’t said anything to her at this point. I just kind of pretended like nothing was happening. Maybe if I pretend like everything is okay, it might start to feel okay. Does that ever work?

I ended up telling her and she said that W had called her this morning and let her know. She was “shocked and on Sheila’s birthday weekend?” I know, it’s all just so shitty. I started to open up to her, but I could feel the wall she quickly built between us. So odd, this cold behavior. She started to tear up a few times, too. Wow, my friend is upset for me too. What a tough day. Wait… he told me he had spoken to her last night? Why is she acting so shocked? Is she playing me right now? I tell her how I told N and asked him not to tell L (Sheila’s dad) when he came to pick up orders so the word wouldn’t get back to Sheila and the same goes for her. I don’t want to ruin Sheila’s birthday weekend. She agrees.

Sheila’s calling me.

“I picked up a bunch of charts, but didn’t write down where they were going yet.”

It doesn’t matter —

I have to stop myself from finishing that sentence and quickly pivot.

— they’re going EMR soon, so it won’t really be an issue.

What I wanted to say was:

My contract was just terminated, so I just can’t find it in me to care right now.

I didn’t, but I wanted to. She started to ask questions and kind of freak out like:

“Won’t this directly effect your job?”

“Are you worried they’re going to cut down your hours?”

“Is this the first step in them taking your job from you?”

Meanwhile, I’m sweating bullets like… I thought I had mentioned this before? It wasn’t news to me, maybe I hadn’t mentioned it yet, I don’t know. Then I wasn’t answering her fast enough. (I thought I was? I guess I was in a daze.) I told her I was just looking at orders and I couldn’t do two things at once. (Lie.) She’s telling me she knows something is up, just tell her. (No, I’m not going to ruin her birthday and put more stress on her. Maybe I can figure something out before Monday comes up? Can I plead my case or something? I don’t know, I need time to think. Why can’t I just be alone right now?) No, I told her everything is fine, I actually need to get going so I can get these orders together. “Okay,” she says, “call me back as soon as you can. I know something is going on and I want you to tell me.” (Still, no. I can’t possibly tell her right before her birthday that literally every single plan we had for the near future has been set alight by one simple sentence, “We’re terminating your contract in 30 days.”) “Okay,” I tell her, “nothing is going on, but I’ll call you in a little while.” She tried to reach out a few more times, texting me, asking when I’m going to call because now she’s worried and definitely knows something is going on. I lie and tell her C had called me and she can sometimes be a Chatty Cathy, so it wasn’t so far-fetched. (Was it?) 45 minutes goes by, I’m trying to figure out my next move. I’m texting/calling my mom telling her the situation. Sheila’s getting frustrated, asking me if I’m still on the phone. Yes, I am, I’ll call back soon. She asked if I’m taking notes, why is this conversation taking so long??? Jesus Christ. My mom tells me to just tell her. Okay, I’ll tell her. I go to my coworker T and tell her I’m about to call Sheila. T stops me and tells me to wait and she’s trying to go through the orders with me. What the actual fuck is happening? Well, I’m too polite, so I go through them with her. The whole time, I’m thinking, what am I doing? Just go call Sheila. I tried again to leave and she says, “Wait, let’s just get through these because you guys probably aren’t going to want to work tomorrow. I just need to know what all needs to go out.” I’m like, “What? T, I’m losing my job in 30 days, I need all the work I can get.” I continue to stay while she goes through the list. Why did I do that?

Anyway, so Sheila, she was driving and doing deliveries Thursday, so I didn’t want her to get completely stressed out and wreck the car or something, so I was like, “maybe I’ll just wait until she gets home.” Nope. She starts cracking the code. I call her.

“Alex, you need to tell me what’s going on. I know something is wrong and I feel like you’re not telling me.”

Nothing is wrong, we’re fine, we’re going to be okay.

“Why do you keep saying that? Now, I’m not going to trust you when you say that because I know you’re lying. I feel like you’re not telling me because of what happened on Monday and because my birthday is coming up on Sunday and you don’t want to ruin it. You need to tell me right now. I can feel something is wrong.”

Wow, well, yeah. That’s exactly what just happened and that’s exactly what I just told my mom verbatim. I climb up the 16(?) step rolling safety ladder and perch at the top. I feel safe up there. (Am I a cat?) I start to tell her everything and crying about how sorry I am. She’s actually not as upset as I thought she’d be. She’s crying because she’s hurt for me. Wow, what a relief. I felt like I had been holding in a hot ball of lava that was burning me from the inside out and to release it felt like I was going to be okay. My wife was there for me. I knew she would be, but I was still worried about how much stress it would be putting on her.

Later, after being able to refelct on all of the events that took place, I felt an immense wave of anger that T stood between me and calling my wife. I also felt an immense wave of anger that I’m so polite to other’s feelings above my own.

I’m going to have to stop it here, I’ve been obsessing over this for 5 days and losing 4 nights of rest over it. I’m just absolutely gutted over this. I’ve been so stressed out about this that there is literally a Category 5 hurricane brewing in the Gulf of Mexico and I haven’t even been able to think about my plan for that yet. I have 3 days. Right?