My Awkward Life

I’m feeling very hopeless lately. (I accidentally just almost wrote hopeful, is that my subconscious trying to tell me something, or am I just used to writing/being hopeful?) My job search is still underway with no luck so far. I know I can drive to McDonald’s, BK, or Buccee’s or something and snag a job, but I worked my ass off and got my BAS in one year back in 2019-2020. I didn’t pursue my job search then because I thought my job at the time was promising and that I’d be okay. I’d love to pack up and move to NYC or Europe- Portugal, Italy, Spain? Literally anywhere but here. I’ve never really loved it here, I’ve just tolerated it because my family is here. Ever since my dad died, I’ve been terrified to leave because what if I went and something happened? Then my little brother and sister moved away to Hawaii and Nicaragua and I’ve just been left here. My grandmother always kind of guilted me into staying which worked for a long time, but now I regret staying here so bad. I should’ve moved away when I was younger and experienced life the way I should have. Now, I’m almost 34, stuck in St. Augustine, jobless (basically), and going through the motions every day. Literally, every day is the same. If I’m working, it’s the same. If I’m at home, it’s the same. Everything is always the same. I’m just surviving, I’m not living. I want to be able to make enough to where I can travel the world with my wife, get my surgeries, and not worry about my bills being paid. Everything is just taken care of.

I’ve been trying to find ways to make money without having to work 40+ hours and/or be on my feet all day. I’m fine with working hard and working long hours, but I’m trying not to. I made a bit of a promise to myself a few years ago that I would never go backward again. I did that once and it bit me in the ass. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I want to be able to sit when I want, use the restroom when I want, answer a phone call/text when I want, eat when I want, etc. When I worked at Target, I always had to be at the mercy of the guests in my line and my peers around me. I don’t want to go back to something like that. Right now, I have a lot of freedom – to an extent – to do what I want, when I want. As long as I get the job done, I can use my own discretion. At least, that’s how it used to be until T took over everything and booted me out. I want to say, “I don’t know how this keeps happening to me,” but at the same time, I know why it does. Everyone who’s tried/taken my job away is much more assertive/has much more pull than I do.

One good thing that’s been happening since about mid-December is that Sheila and I are becoming so much closer. I’m home more, I’m more present, I have more energy. I’m able to load/unload the dishwasher every morning without feeling like death. It’s been really nice knowing that I have so much free time. Although, it’s a double-edged sword because now I’m behind on payments on three separate credit cards. I’ve never missed a payment, but now I’m missing all of them. I also was like 6 months behind on payments for the lawn service, which I need to cancel, actually. It was over $600 that I was going to use for my credit cards. It would’ve only covered one of my credit cards, though. I’m in so much debt, I want to say, “I don’t even know how I let it get this bad,” but I do. I wanted instant satisfaction before working for it. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and you have a mountain of debt. Yay, I love drowning in debt!

I was feeling so great, like I was on top of the world not too long ago, now I’ve never felt lower. Like the cloud I was on had dissipated and I plunged into the earth into the driest, compacted land. I had an appointment this morning to get a refill/up my dose of my Buproprion/Welbutrin. As he was asking questions to figure out what needed to be done with my medicine, I found myself trying to hold back more because I was scared he might commit me. He asked if I’ve been feeling hopeless, well, yes. I’ve been feeling like shit lately, like an actual dried-out turd that got baked in the sun, then it poured down rain and now I’m sinking into the soil. He asked if I’ve been feeling like I’d be better off dead. Well, yeah, some days, I feel like I wouldn’t be upset if I just died tomorrow. Then I start to think about everyone I’m leaving behind and I get sad that I even thought that. I’ve also been nervous about lung cancer lately. We’ve been drinking so much more lately, which means I’ve been smoking a lot more lately. We were going to do Dry January again this year, but after the job loss, we decided it would be a lot easier to do a Damp January. It’s actually been more like a Wet January so far, though. I don’t remember the last time I felt this low. I can’t provide for my family, I can’t even provide for myself. I’m feeling so…I don’t know. Just like ass.

Sheila and I have been talking about doing DoorDash/UberEats, Instacart, etc. so I think that’ll help. We were supposed to be leaving on February 1st to stay in Brooklyn for two weeks for my egg extraction to continue my medical transition and start our process of having children. It feels like the goalpost keeps moving and I’m not sure how to feel right now. I just called the office and tried to make sure my appointment was canceled and I gave my last name, then my first. She asked if it was for a semen examination or whatever and I told her no, it’s for egg extraction. I guess she thought I was calling on behalf of my wife and kept referring to me as “she.” It was uncomfortable and annoying, but Sheila heard it and assured me that it was New York and she probably thought I was calling for my wife, not me. She also told me that I’m probably just burned from living in Florida. She’s not wrong. I’m just bummed that I can’t continue with all of the plans we’ve made for our near future. I can’t cancel our flights because they were only $70/each at a discount and they’re nonrefundable. I wanted to move the flights to my birthday weekend two weeks later, but I can’t do that either because the blackout dates are from 2/13-2/28. Perfect.

This brings me to my next big stressor right now: my birthday. I’m really bummed because I realized that this is the last birthday my dad got to celebrate. He was 34 when he was killed in that car accident. The time between his birthday June 9, 2005, and his death day, November 2, 2005, is 146 days. ​​So, 146 days after February 15, 2025, is July 11, 2025. ​After July 11th, I’ll officially be on this earth longer than my dad was which is such a wild thought. I look back at his pictures and I always think I have so long to go, but now I’m looking and knowing that we’re the same age, it’s just wild. He was so much more accomplished than I am. He had a construction company, 3 kids, and a wife, he was bilingual. I just feel like a failure in every sense right now, especially when comparing myself to him and his accomplishments.

I miss him so much. I really feel like we would’ve been so close by this point in life. Maybe we wouldn’t have been, I don’t know. He was very Catholic and I am very Athiest. We always bumped heads on almost everything, but looking back, I realize it’s because my home life wasn’t great. My stepdad was a very angry alcoholic/stoner and would often take out his anger on all of us. While I appreciate the things he did for me when he was in my life, I resent him for leaving me with the anger and rage I have now. He was my first bully and I didn’t identify that until later in life. I had such a lack of control in my own life that I would stay up all night, and then sleep all day. I’d also hold in my bowels until I was unable to contain them anymore. I always thought it was just a weird thing about me, but a few years ago, I was thinking about it and realized that was my way of controlling my life. I was also dealing with a gender identity crisis that was uprooting everything I thought I was. I had always been a tom-boy and had guy friends, just “one of the dudes” exploring the woods behind the house, skateboarding, etc. I always would dream I would wake up with a penis and transform into a boy overnight. Spoiler alert: it didn’t happen. On the last day of 7th grade, I asked my grandma to cut my hair (she was/is a hairstylist [she’s “retired” but still does some people’s hair]) to a buzzcut. She told me she would cut it short, but she’s not cutting it completely off. She cut it so I’d be able to still style it with clips and hair gel. If I find a picture, I’ll upload it. I looked awful. There’s this one photo that every time I see it, I cringe. It’s a visceral reaction, I can’t help it. I’m wearing a long-sleeved, green/cream shirt and jeans, I think, in front of this really beautiful armoire at my mom’s house. Anyway, my mom ended up spending $400 on a bunch of new, girly/tom-boy clothes, like knee-length girl’s shorts/board shorts for the beach, etc. A few weeks later, I told her I wanted real boy clothes. She was upset because she didn’t like the fact that I wanted to look like a boy now and that she had just spent all of that money on new clothes and I decided to wait to tell her. I was terrified of telling her, I don’t know why though. She was very accepting of me coming out as a lesbian. She was pretty supportive of me coming out as transgender, but she did tell me she was supportive of me being a lesbian but didn’t like the idea of me transitioning.

Anyway, I think I’m just spiraling a little bit about everything lately. I’m stressing out about everything and it’s getting overwhelming, but today is a little different. I’m feeling a little better, maybe I’m a little hopped up on caffeine, or maybe it’s because I woke up at 9:30AM instead of 11:30AM. I don’t know. At least at the beginning of this post, I was feeling down, but maybe I was just able to get out some of these feelings and now I’m feeling a little better. I really don’t know.

I’m coming back to this post hours later because I just remembered my wife added a scoop of adaptogen mushrooms to my coffee. It doesn’t get you high or anything, just mood-boosting. Maybe it’s a placebo, but I really feel like they work. Every time I have some in my coffee, I have a really great day. There’s my key ingredient for a better day.

I’ve actually gotten a second wind tonight. I aspire to become a hard-to-reach individual. Someone who gives more than I keep and someone who is able to change at least one life I come into contact with (for the better). My hope is to be able to relocate to a better place where I am no longer afraid of what tomorrow or the next year might bring. To be able to raise a family devoid of fear and full of aspiration, courage, and hope.

There’s this local couple that my wife and I looked up to because they went through some struggles to become successful and we often visit their establishments. They’re part of the reason why I aspired to have some type of brick-and-mortar business. I used to want to only have an online business, but lately, I’ve been craving that feeling of walking into a public building and knowing I own the whole thing. I think that would be so cool. Or having a place to eat/drink and be able to eat for free, no issues. (Obviously, I’d still tip the waiter/waitress.) Anyway, we see the wife sometimes while we’re out and the other day, we saw her with a few of her friends. We’ve spoken before and she’s pretty cool, funny, and always full of energy. Well, this time, we had been talking and noticed she had something under her nose (I’m sure you know where this is going). I thought it was her nose running, Sheila knew it was something else, but wasn’t 100% sure of what it was. When we were about to head out, one of her friends was about to head out too and asked her for a “farewell” while flicking his nose with his pointer finger. At that moment, we both knew without a doubt he was asking for cocaine. Ah, now it all makes sense, her positive energy. Wow, well, we don’t envy them anymore. She had coke under her nose while she was out and about. It was a little sad, to be honest. I felt bad for her at that moment. Does she have a problem? Is she just the happiest she can be? Is she miserable and covering it up with cocaine? I don’t know. All I know is that the life I so badly envied just moments before had poofed right before my eyes. Yikes.

I thought I was going to start writing more to this post, but I’ve been watching The Witcher and I’ve just gotten sucked in for the night. Until next time.