My Awkward Life

Life feels like it’s suffocating me lately. I can’t seem to catch my breath and every day there are more things to stress about. My debt is crushing me, my job is just not great anymore, my ambitions are dwindling. It’s just hard to get up every morning. I feel like most days, I wake up just to go back to sleep.

On top of all of that, I’m in this weird area with my mom again. I haven’t written about those issues on here because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with those yet, but here we are. I also didn’t really want anyone to read this and have to confront these awkward feelings and thoughts. My mom once told me about a coworker’s blog and how she perused the entire thing and how captivating it was. I don’t think she’s ever read my blog and if she has, she hasn’t mentioned it. I cross-posted a blog post (11.2.21) to Facebook a few years ago and a coworker told me she enjoyed reading it. I think my mom read that one, but maybe just stopped there. I don’t know. Maybe she’ll read this one and finally have a real conversation with me.

We got into a real argument while in Hawaii for my sister’s graduation and she ended up threatening to call the cops on me because I was insisting I walk her to her Uber and she was upset and wanted me to leave her alone. She said some fucked up things to me that day which I think she probably either forgot or refuses to acknowledge. I’ll probably write about that at some point, too. I think I’m done tiptoeing around everyone else’s feelings when mine are never in consideration. I would throw myself in front of a bus to push them out of the way and that’s how it’s always been, but again, I’m always the one getting hit with the blows.

Last August, my mom and I got into a tiff because we (my mom, my wife and I) were contemplating going to Nicaragua to visit my brother and (ex-)step-dad (we’ll call him ESD) who live down there. My mom was on the fence as well as us, but ultimately, we collectively decided that it was probably not a good idea to go. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Apparently, my mom talked to my sister who was going down there as well, and they decided she was going to go down there. My mom was going to be staying in my sister’s room at ESD’s house. She was like, “I feel like it’ll be awkward,” blah blah blah. Long story short, she ended up having a nice convo that night with ESD and decided she’ll be staying with my sister in her room. She told me at like the last minute instead of calling me after that conversation (I still don’t really know when the conversation actually happened) to tell me, so that felt like a bait-and-switch moment. I honestly just feel like they didn’t want my wife and I to go. Maybe they just wanted to be one big, happy family again? I don’t know, that’s what it feels like. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family and it used to really bother me, but now I realize that I don’t want to be like that. My brother and sister didn’t reach out to see if I was going either. What they did do, is they all called me while I was still at work (at 8 PM) to tell me that my other brother (from my dad’s side) has been living about an hour and a half from me for I don’t know how many years and hasn’t reached out to hang out with me. How do they know this? He is dating my other brother’s girlfriend’s best friend. They all thought it was amusing, which it is, but maybe don’t tell me. They didn’t stop to think about how that might feel to me to hear that I’m not even on any of my siblings’ radars. My brother and sister on my mom’s side have each other, my brother and sister on my dad’s side have each other. I’m just…here. It hurts and it’s a very isolating feeling. My mom has always been more concerned with my brother and sister. I know for a fact that my brother is her favorite even though she vehemently denies it and will never outright admit it unless she’s pushed to. I don’t really know why I’ve tried so hard for so long. Maybe because I feel like I have to? I feel like I always have to keep jumping up and down waving my hands to say, “hey, don’t forget me! Love me too!!” I don’t want to fight for love anymore, especially not from family. Obviously they love me, but I think they love themselves more. I don’t think they actually like me. I really don’t know. I wish they’d be honest and tell me what the fucking deal is. I think maybe it’s one or a combination of the following:

• I don’t think of you as often as I think of your brother and sister.
• I don’t want you guys there because I group you and your wife in with the elderly grandparents.
• I don’t want you guys there because you’re overweight and always have some ailment and I don’t want to hear about it.
• I don’t want to have to deal with anything real, so I keep you at arms length to avoid accountability.
• I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, so I don’t want to have to hear you whine about things you think I’ve fucked up.
• I went through the same trauma and I’m fine, why can’t you be too?

My wife and I watched the last episode of White Lotus yesterday and one of the characters said the quote above. It was nice to be able to hear words to describe my situation as well. Just an hour or two prior, we were playing cards at my house (my wife, grandmother, mom, sister/cousin (that’s another story for another day, but I’ll call her M), and my wife’s mom (L). Anyway, we always banter and joke that there are no bridges at the table otherwise they’d be burned. It’s everyone for themselves at the card table. My grandmother and M were going back and forth and my grandmother says to her that she better watch out because she might be babysitting her next month. M was curious and kept pushing “why? Why? Why?” My mom was visibly upset with my grandmother for spilling the beans. M turns to me and asks thinking I have any idea. Nope. No idea. I told her it was news to me as it was to her. My mom confirmed that she’s going to one place, maybe two. At this point, everyone at the table was curious and my mom shot my grandmother daggers and sarcastically said “thanks” as in “thanks a lot for spilling the unnecessary beans I created for no reason at all.” I already felt like there was something wrong with my mom to begin with because she was kind of in a mood until she got some wine in her. I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t want to be here or if she was pissed that my wife’s mom was here too? I have no idea and I don’t really care what the reason was, she’s not as subtle as she thinks she is. We’re a lot alike in that way. When we’re upset, it shows all over our faces. Anyway, we were already about to end the night (thank God), so we wrapped everything up. I already suspected she was going to Hawaii to see my sister because my sister told my wife that my mom was going to be going out there for my mom’s birthday in October and that she was supposed to talk to us about it when she came over for an oyster roast we had over here about a month ago. She never mentioned it and I didn’t either. I did mention it over a phone call and she said that it wasn’t set in stone, but I think it was. Maybe not though because she’s going to help my sister move to a new place. I don’t know if my brother is going out there too or if it’s just my mom and sister or if my mom is going to take M with her, I don’t know. It stung all the same and everyone was around to witness it. I always feel like I’m crazy when I try to confront my mom about my feelings. I always hold back because I’m afraid when I actually do unleash, that maybe we won’t talk anymore. She always says I’m too emotional, dramatic, etc. I don’t think I am. I think I have unresolved feelings from the Nightmare on Elm Street I was living for about 20 years when my mom was married to my step-dad. They were like fire and gasoline and when things would get bad, they would get bad. I was always there to try to save her and my siblings though, until enough was enough and I had to move out. That came after there was a court-ordered restraining order from when they got into a physical altercation and he ended up choking her on the floor in front of me. I thought that was the end of that, but then I heard his voice one morning and my blood turned to ice. My mom gave some bullshit excuse again about why they’re talking, then not too long later, I came home and no one was there. I called my mom to see where they were and she told me they all went to the river house and she didn’t think I would want to go because ESD would be there. Well, no, no I wouldn’t want to go and I had a hard time understanding why she’d want to go. I ended up throwing everything I could into my laundry hamper, backing my TrailBlazer in towards the garage, opening the top hatch and dumping as many loads of my shit I could fit into my car. While I’m doing so, they pulled up with his boat and he literally started talking shit to me while I’m moving out. I didn’t do/say anything except look his way. My mistake for being alive and breathing in your driveway, lol. Sorry, ESD.

After that, I unfollowed all of them on Facebook because I was sick of the “happy family” posts that never involved me. I still haven’t followed any of them back, but to be fair, I’m not ever on Facebook anymore anyway. I created a new Instagram for my transition, but mostly so I was able to escape. Again, I’m never on it either much anymore, so it doesn’t matter. Every time something like this happens, I want to go low-contact with everyone. It’s difficult watching my brother and sister live these amazing lives because they’re living life with cheat codes on. Their dad (ESD) is a multimillionaire and he pays for basically everything for them. IDK, I’m just over it. I think I’m just bitter because we’re struggling so much right now.

It’s all just a clusterfuck of shit that I’m still trying to work through everyday and it’s all very difficult.

Anyway, I’m done venting, for now. I think. I’m going to drink beer and play darts.