My Awkward Life

I found out today (well, technically yesterday since it’s 1:30 AM) that they hired a “warehouse associate” to help pack orders. W made me feel so small and stupid when he asked, “What do we need a warehouse manager for?” Right after trying to fire me just a few months after I was pretty much promoted. I never got full confirmation but a lot of chatter suggested the position was mine. Here we are again. How many times do they have to knock the wind out of me before I just stop breathing? I’ve never been so disrespected at a job before in my life, yet I stay. The universe is begging me to leave again and I’m somehow stuck in a stagnant pool of what was once my dignity. I really don’t know why this has had such an impact on me. I need to get myself the fuck out of dodge.

On top of all of that, my SIL is pregnant. Normally it would be a happy occasion but it’s just so heartbreaking. Sheila and I have to work so hard just to think about even having kids and she just… accidentally got pregnant. I’m just so sad. We had such high hopes for this year, February was meant for our future with kids and those dreams were snatched away.

It all feels like “woe is me” but I cannot pull myself out of this funk. I need to get another job, I need to figure out how to use my degree, but how? What am I missing here?

Also, why is it that I’ve done (almost) everything right, and still I fall? I feel like there’s some unspoken step that I’m missing or something.

I take my allergy pill and a ¼ mg of melatonin that usually knocks me out, but when I’m supposed to work the next day, I have such anxiety lately that I cannot sleep.

I’m just so tired and I don’t think sleep is the answer anymore. My depression has felt so consuming lately that I often wonder why I keep going. No, I’m not exactly suicidal, but I’m not beaming to be here right now either. I feel very lost and suffocated and fragile and afraid and angry and hopeless and pathetic and worthless and emotional and sad and mournful. Sometimes, though, I’ll feel weirdly hopeful and joyous. In those days I got scared because I wondered if my subconscious was tapping into my timeline accepting that my time is up before I’m ready.

On July 9, 2025, I officially outlived my dad. I’m seeing days he never got to see and it feels so surreal and sad too. Am I just in my feelings or is life just getting extra hard this year? Sometimes I envy him for not having to deal with the day-to-day bullshit anymore. Others, I mourn him and the relationship we just couldn’t nurture enough while he was here to enjoy it together. I miss him every day. I miss what our future could’ve been. I miss the close relationship I know we would’ve had. I miss how alike we truly were and I was just too young and hardheaded to recognize it. I miss the moments we’ll never share and I miss the moments we had. Most of all, I miss all of the moments I’ve already forgotten. It’s times like these are when I wish I had an eidetic memory, but I also don’t because I’d never forget the pain I felt. I still remember the pain, but not as much. Fuck, this all just hurts so bad.