My Awkward Life

I’m trying to distract myself any way I can right now.

On Thursday night, Sheila and I were not exactly getting along, I can’t even remember what the fight was about, but the gist was that we were supposed to drink some wine and have a charcuterie board. I had made us some smoothies earlier in the evening and I was still full, I think she might’ve been too? I don’t remember, but anyway, we started to argue and we were kind of in a lull when her mom called around 8 PM. I could hear her hysterically crying over the phone and immediately I got annoyed because it’s usually always drama that is preventable and stupid and we’re always dragged into it. Well, then Sheila gasped and said “oh my God!” I immediately sat up on the couch and asked her what happened and she said “Rad died.” Rad (short for Radiation) was their cat who was around 6 years old. He was an outside cat eventually after years of trying to keep him inside but he’d always run outside and end up getting fleas and bringing them back inside and it was this whole big thing.

Earlier that day, around 12:30 PM, Lisa tried to come over to our house after she got off of work to swim in the pool, but we were skinny dipping and just cleaning it. We went back and forth a few times, but eventually decided we were about to get out so she told her we weren’t going to be in much longer. Lisa decided to just go home and we went on to do our own thing. Well, her boss had given her a recliner that had never been used, but it smelled like their house with their animals. (I accidentally just pressed the button on my keyboard I assigned to open ChatGPT and when it opened, it was a photo of Rad I was trying to make for a memorial.) When she got home, she was showing her other daughter, K, the chair and Rad being curious, jumped in to sniff the chair. She shooed him out of the car and shut the door. She didn’t realize he jumped back in before shutting the door and when she was walking into the house, she said she remembered wondering where he was and thought he ran into the house. She was distracted she said, meaning K was distracting her with whatever it was that day and so she didn’t investigate further.

Later in the evening, Sheila’s dad (L) went to check the mail and was calling Rad’s name, but couldn’t find him. I’m not exactly sure how it happened or what happened, but L ended up opening the driver’s backseat door and saw his little white paw and he knew. That’s when her mom called us and we rushed over with a box and a shovel. When we pulled up, the van’s doors were open and the back door was open. I asked them where he was and she pointed to the back door and I looked in and saw his little body laying there. It literally just looked like he was asleep. I hopped in and went to grab him, but I pulled back once I felt his body. Rigor mortis had already set in, so it was too late to save him. He didn’t feel real, it felt very unnatural and eerie. When I picked him up, the gasses released and it sounded like he made a little noise. I knew it wasn’t real, it was just the body reacting to the final moments above ground. I’ve been around death enough when I worked at the vet to know when it’s too late, but this time, I got nervous and I googled the shit out of everything to make 100% sure it was final. I knew deep down it was too late.

It was such a sad and traumatic event, even days later, we’re all still shaken up from it. Obviously they are, but I cannot stop thinking about him and the feeling of touching him. When I put him in the box to bury him, I had set him down while I was digging the hole and when I picked it back up, I could still feel the warmth from his body which made it seem unnatural to bury him. I’m used to feeling the cold of the box when carrying a dead (animal) body. The high of the day was 88º F which meant the inside of the car likely reached 131º F within an hour according to all of the calculators. The fucked up part is that it was supposed to rain that day, we even saw the clouds and heard the thunder. It never rained though, which is why we stayed in the pool for longer. We were swimming while he was dying. Every time I think about all of it, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. This has been such a traumatic event. The screaming, the crying, the apologies, his body, all of it. I can’t get it out of my head. Today has just been really tough. I can’t stop thinking about his little face and body. My mind keeps wandering to what I should do to numb this pain. Should I try to smoke weed? Should I try to take pills? Should I take extra anti-depressants? Alcohol doesn’t help, a hot shower doesn’t help, nothing helps. I don’t know what to do.

I got scared when I first touched him because he wasn’t the friendliest cat, except to L, that was L’s cat and only he could pick him up and touch him without getting shredded. My heart breaks every time I think about all of it. I feel so sad for Rad, for L, for her mom, for her. I can’t handle it sometimes. Her mom said L cried himself to sleep that night.

We had her parents over all weekend basically to get them out of the house. When Sheila and I got there, after I put him in the box, I was walking by the front door and saw K. I haven’t seen her in a while and neither had Sheila. A lot has happened with K and none of it has been good. Before all of this happened, I told Sheila she had until the end of last week to write a letter to K. I’ve been dealing with all of the sadness and anger and whatever other emotions come boiling up regarding K and I’m just tired of it. Well, that all went out the window and I told Sheila not even to bother with it after K’s behavior the other night.

When we went to bury Rad, K ended up walking to the back with us to stand with us while we dug the hole. She’s pregnant which is also just such a sore spot for us as well because we were supposed to be starting our journey to starting our family in February, but then I lost a big chunk of my paychecks which hindered all immediate future plans we had. She got pregnant on accident and it’s just tough, idk. Why can’t we do that? Why was I born into a body that isn’t my own and doesn’t function the way I envision it to?

Anyway, so after we finished burying him, we were very sweaty since it was hot that day and her mom invited us back inside to cool off a little. While we were walking back up, her mom ended up falling from a hole in the back (unrelated to the one we dug) and faceplanted into the grass. She hit her face on the flashlight and we ended up laughing a little bit. She was upset, but I guess you just had to be there because it was kind of funny and we knew she was okay. We didn’t know she had hit her face when we were laughing. Anyway, so we’re inside drinking water and K is in there. It was awkward, but it wasn’t the worst. We ended up telling them goodbye and leaving after a little bit because we needed to go shower and just decompress. We gave everyone hugs and I asked K if I could give her a hug and she said okay. She wasn’t enthusiastic or anything, but it felt like the right thing to do. I hugged her and told her I loved her, then when I was walking towards the door, Sheila asked her if she could have a hug as well. K said, “I guess” or something like that and Sheila said, “you won’t even look at me.” K said she wasn’t looking at anybody, which was true. They ended up hugging and Sheila started to cry, I ended up walking into the garage to be with L to give them a moment. Shortly after, Sheila walked out still crying saying she has to leave and when I looked behind her at K, I didn’t see any emotion. I thought maybe something happened, so I asked Sheila what happened. Apparently, nothing happened, it was just too much for Sheila, losing Rad, seeing K, all of it.

That night, L had a few beers and cigarettes in the garage. He sent Sheila a photo later showing the front door wide open because K can’t handle the smell of the cigarettes, yet she refuses to move out. Her mom keeps saying that K doesn’t want to be there, yet there has been no movement towards getting her own place or anything.

I had been beginning to think maybe we were being too hard on K about everything which is why I told Sheila to write the letter, but after all of this, it’s very evident that K is just not who I (or anyone) thought she was. Sheila even bought a pack of diapers to start building a little care package/basket for her. I, personally, believe K is still on pain pills from her car accident which is why there’s such a lack of emotion. If not, then whoever I saw that night is just using the shell of K’s body to inhabit this world and I don’t know who the hell that is. I really hope the pill use doesn’t effect the baby, but deep down, I know it will.

The night before last, Sheila’s parents came over and we had a few drinks and played some darts. When they were about to leave, K had called and was talking to her mom. Sheila overheard her saying “I’m not going to suffocate just because his cat died,” referring to the cigarettes. Apparently, the night it all happened, she was talking to L about getting a vacuum and trying to start cleaning up the living room. His cat just died and you’re asking him to buy you a new vacuum because the one he tried to let you use wasn’t good enough? Then opening the front door while the A/C is running because you can’t handle the cigarette smoke? Jesus Christ, read the room, man…

I honestly just don’t know though. Everything that I’ve been mad at K for is just a ripple effect because their parents always lean on us for support. I love them, but I wish we didn’t have to save them from everything. I wish there was nothing to save them from.

Sheila’s mom came over the next day because she just needed to get away, but she drove her van and was crying because of it. I went out there to clean the back where he was and I tried to check the interior to make sure there wasn’t anything that might upset her. Evidently I didn’t check thoroughly because when we talked to her this morning, she said she saw evidence of him being up on her dashboard, like streaks on the windshield. She also mentioned the next day after it happened that her windshield wipers and blinkers were on.

Ironically, that night, I did my DuoLingo lesson and it’s usually just the normal word matches, but that night it was very wild. I’m attaching photos of them below. The first one was the first set of words I had, then the second one was the usual word sets I have.

Anyway, it’s all just fucked up and uncomfortable, but the only thing that can heal these wounds is time and unfortunately, we can’t speed that up. I’m just ready for it to all be over.