My Awkward Life

I’m letting my ADHD run the show today. My one goal today was to figure out another stream of income and I’ve decided that I’m just going to blog instead. I’ve been thinking about coming back here for a while now and every time I get back on my computer, I get distracted doing something else. I often envy all of those vampires on the shows/movies because they don’t have to sleep and they have all of this extra time. Would I miss sleep though? Not at the moment because I’ve been waking up with a back ache every morning.

I’ve been going back and looking through my drafts and decided to publish two of them. Do I come off as whiny? Probably to some. I annoy myself sometimes. Like, just get over it and worry about something else that actually matters, dude. Other times, I’m like… yeah, I can be sad today. I’ve been happy for a few days in a row, I’ve earned it. Kidding. It just creeps up sometimes and I realize that I’m sitting in the dark when I thought there was still light.

On a side note: I’ve been on a weight loss journey and I’m seeing results. This is probably going to sound weird, but you know that vein that runs right below your wrist? It kind of goes inward. Anyway, I never used to be able to see that vein and lately, I have been. Although, when I’m driving sometimes, it just disappears and there’s almost like an indent where it was. It’s weird. That’s my off-scale victory for the moment.

I was trying to write on my other blog about money and stuff and realized I just wanted to let loose a little and just empty some thoughts out here. I think a lot of the reason why I don’t publish often is because I try to make really long posts (Bathroom Reads, if you will) and sometimes I just don’t have the time or the mental capacity to do it. I’m not sure who set that mental rule up in my head, but part of me did and the rest of me adheres to it.

Sometimes, I just have a lot to say. Or I’ll start and then come back to it another day when I have more to say. Also, when I was publishing my drafts earlier, I realized I had 22 followers which is awesome. I appreciate the support.

There’s a lot that I should be doing right now and I keep just staring off into the distance and day dreaming, then I come back and start typing again and repeat the process.

A big part of me wanted to learn how to code and build websites and all of that, but every time I sat down to do it, I’d get stuck. Then I’d revert back to the things I do know how to do and then forget that I was trying to learn something else. Part of me thinks I should try medicine for my ADHD, but I’m already on testosterone for HRT and I’m also taking Buproprion to tone down my mood swings. I’ve always had depression, anger, anxiety and all of that, but the second puberty really threw it all into overdrive.

OH! I just remembered why I started writing this post in the first place. So, earlier I randomly thought about that time when I first started transitioning and in an effort to distance my present self from my feminine self, I started calling everyone “little girl” like I was superior or something. Ugh, so fucking cringe. I just want to crawl out of my skin, throw it away, and grow some new skin. Like, shut the actual fuck up, past me. God. There are so many times when I have a random thought that pops into my head. I’ll be having a great day, then my brain is like… “hey, so remember that time you were outside at the bar and it was quiet and you said ‘tea and crumpets’ in a British accent in front of two actual British people to fill the silence because you were uncomfortable?” That’s a true story by the way, unfortunately.

Also, I just realized the last time I blogged, I wasn’t married. We got married on our 10 year anniversary on June 3rd this year! It was amazing. We eloped in NYC and got married on the sidewalk. Our wedding photographer was our witness, then we went to Europe for our honeymoon for 2 weeks. Our families weren’t exactly stoked that we eloped, but they were understanding. We were fortunate in that aspect. Some people cantaloupe. (Get it?) Anyway, it was magical and we had the best time. I’ll post a few pictures.

It was a lot of work to build the itinerary, but it was well worth all of the hours of research and planning. We had a blast and we wished we never had to leave.

I’m going to leave this post on that note. For some reason my computer is running very slow, so it is difficult for me to type.