My Awkward Life

I’m going to write this one on my phone since my computer was acting up last night. We will see how this goes.

This morning, I was explaining to my aunt why I forgot to text her back about attending my cousin’s birthday party. Everything I said was the truth, but it all sounded like excuses. My whole life, every time I try to explain myself, I’ve always been told to stop making excuses. When is it an excuse, and when is it just the reason why you did or didn’t do something? I always tend to overexplain myself or overshare. My mom used to tell me I was always making excuses, and I didn’t know how to explain myself without telling her these so-called excuses. It was always the truth, but I guess what people are looking for is just “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” or “Yes, I’ll do that right now.” They don’t really care about the “why” or “why not” unless they explicitly ask for the reason. I never understood that, and I always thought it would be explained to me one day, but I never thought to ask, and no one ever volunteered it. I’ve had several moments like that.

Another thing I always used to wonder about is how everyone knew what they wanted to be when they grew up? I always had such a hard time deciding because I thought it was like what you choose is… it. I’m 32 and still don’t know what I actually want to do with my life. I always knew I didn’t want to dedicate it all to working. Who does, though? I’ve always been indecisive about almost everything. I’m not afraid of commitment once I make the decision. I think I’m just afraid of making the wrong decision. Is that what fear of commitment is? Maybe I am afraid of it. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and have never thought twice about if I made the right choice. Well, maybe once… or twice… but only when she really pushes my buttons and boy, does she know exactly which ones to push when she wants to. We both do, though. I think that’s what happens when you are with someone for so long. Sometimes, you get bored and want to have a spicy little argument and it ends up getting too spicy and you give each other the silent treatment until it’s time to watch the TV show you’ve been watching together. I’m never good in arguments anyway because apparently, I always make her point instead of making mine.

What was I even talking about? Oh yeah, commitment. In all seriousness, I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life. It’s the commitment to the other stuff that worries me for some reason. Like I’m scared I might waste my life and not realize until it’s too late. When I got my job at Target, I thought I was making pretty good money until I realized I wasn’t. When I got my job at a veterinary clinic, I thought that was going to be my career, but then I realized I was probably always going to be at the bottom of the totem pole. I’m finally doing a job where I’ve lasted longer than 3 years without running towards an exit plan. I actually really do enjoy it, and I’m happy. It’ll be 5 years in October, and it’s flown by quickly. I’m not really sure what the future holds, but I’m happy for now.

My main concern lately is kids. I feel the social pressure of not being where I’m “supposed to be” in life. I don’t have kids, and I only just got married when everyone else has it all figured out in their 20s. Well, maybe not figured out, but you know what I mean. I always feel the social pressures of “The Timeline.” I often wonder if I should’ve had a kid while I was younger to just get it over with, but then I think that it’s better to plan and be prepared for the kid and not just “get it over with.” Obviously, that’s a sore spot for me. My wife and I would love nothing more than to have a biological child and, better yet, an “oopsie daisy,” but we can’t. I actually read this article years ago about how they’re turning stem cells taken from bone marrow, I believe, and turning it into sperm (it keeps autocorrecting to “supermercado”, what the fuck?) so that two biological females could have a child together. I read that Cambridge University was doing some work in it, so I emailed them but didn’t get much in return. A few weeks later, I’m researching the same topic, and suddenly, there are articles out about how it’s not a feasible option yet and there are way more hurdles to get over before this makes its way to humans. So, for now, we are back to square one with IVF and reciprocal IVF. It’s definitely better than nothing, I just worry that our families might treat one “egg” differently than the other since it’s biologically related to them. We’ve already agreed that if that happens, we’re going to protect the children at all costs. I don’t ever want them to feel like they’re not loved wholeheartedly by the people surrounding them.

What was I talking about again? I don’t even remember what I was going to say. Look at me getting distracted again. What’s new?

Well, here’s a thought I had earlier. Everyone always says not to choose a song you like to wake up to because when you hear it, you’ll get angry. I actually get really happy when I hear it initially, and then I get sad. I get happy because I like waking up early. It means I have the whole day ahead of me. I get sad when I realize I’m listening to the song at 5:47 p.m., and I’m on my way home to start cooking dinner and finish the day. Well, not about the dinner part, about ending the day.

It’s currently 11:58 p.m., and I’m laying in bed still typing this for some reason. It’s either this or open up Egg, Inc. and try to get my trophy for the Enlightenment egg.

I think about blogging often, but rarely ever sit down to actually get my thoughts out. I feel so narcissistic sometimes, like who the hell actually cares about what I’m saying? Then, I remind myself that I started this blog as a sort of public journal. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out because otherwise, my usual go-to release is anger when I keep it all inside (cue JC Penney “It’s All Inside” jingle). It used to be crying, but when I started HRT, I found it to be very difficult to cry. When I do, though, I try to keep it going to get it all out like I have a reserve of tears that might just burst if I don’t get them all out. I’ll start thinking of really sad things to try to keep crying. Does anybody else do that? No? Yeah, no, me neither. That’s weird. Who said that?

Anyway, I just had to look up who had the “It’s All Inside” jingle because I thought it was Dell, but it’s JC Penney. While I was on YouTube, I remembered I subscribed to this Nate the Hoof Guy’s channel. I don’t know how I stumbled across it, but sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I get stuck on YouTube. I get into these weird corners of YouTube that I never knew existed. I’m pretty sure he was in one of those corners. It’s so satisfying to watch, but at first, it’s a little jarring to see what he is doing, but then I wish I could be like Eliza Thornberry and talk to the animals to ask if they feel better and what it felt like getting all that gook off their hooves.

You know what. This is getting weird. I’m about to end up calling it a night (like Ursher).

Good night.