My Awkward Life

The most disheartening thing is to sit where someone once sat, waiting for them to fill the spot only to realize they will never sit there again. Giving you shit, making you feel so stupid. He is never coming back. He is gone forever.

Last night, I went to my father-in-law’s house to have some beers with him. I think it was the first time I’d been there since I last saw S. He always sat on the same stool in the same spot. It’s really difficult knowing that he will never sit on that stool again. The last time I was over there, S was on his stool, and he had lost so much weight. I kept wanting to say something about it, but there was nothing to say. If I said, “Wow, you look so great,” it would’ve been a lie. He didn’t look great. He looked sick. He had been sick for a while, and he refused to go to the doctor even though he had free healthcare due to his being legally blind. Everyone kept begging him. Finally, my FIL made him go one night after S fell in the garage and couldn’t get himself up. FIL told him he would only help him up if he went to the hospital. Apparently, his legs were decaying at this point. He often slept in his computer chair or when he did sleep in his bed, he covered his legs with a towel.

When I first met him, he would come to bars with us, but his hygiene wasn’t the best it could’ve been. Anyone would tell you that, it’s not just me being mean or something. He used to talk about “the old days” when he was a bouncer, I think he was a cook at one point, and other jobs he had. He was always in his room when he wasn’t in the garage with my father-in-law, L. It was always the same routine, we’d go to the store to grab our 24-packs of beers and 2 packs of cigarettes, then come to the garage, put the beers in the fridge, and cigarettes in the freezer. We’d proceed to drink for hours while we talked, debated, watched America’s Got Talent, music videos, funny videos, etc. At some points, we’d all stay up until 6AM, 8AM, etc. His garage doesn’t have windows and the clock on the computer is very small, so it was very easy to lose track of time since we weren’t on our phones. We were all engulfed in our conversations and present with one another. Those were the days when we were all in the garage. They weren’t always great times, there were some times when we’d argue and things would go too far. I think we were all just stuck in a toxic routine for many, many years.

After COVID-19, we all stopped going to bars, and then there was no smoking in our regular bars, so we just started hanging out in The Garage™ instead. It was cheaper, we got to listen to what we wanted, and we could talk about anything. It was great, but it was every other night. Most nights, I’d finish my 24-pack and my 2 packs of cigarettes. I can feel the hangover just typing that.

I don’t miss those days, but I miss the hope I had of who I thought I’d grow up to be.