My Awkward Life

I often wonder what it feels like to know your life, as you know it, is truly over and it’s irreversible. I have felt like that several times. Even now as I seek haven in my cluttered shed, sitting on an old bucket with a raggedy moving blanket, hunched over my phone with both sweat and leftover tears mixing to form a micro rainfall between my feet. I was ugly crying earlier, but not anymore.

I feel like the contents of my shed are a direct reflection of the state of my mind. I can’t get into my shed without climbing over obstacles and shit that I don’t need. I looked up at a box that screamed the word “FRAGILE” at me in crooked letters. I unplugged my security camera so I could cry in peace, looking around at all of my power tools wondering if I brought my phone in case I needed to call for help or if it was my lifeline to the world or maybe so I could release some of this anguish.

Anguish, that’s almost a laughable word right now in the grand scheme of things. My only large problems are financial. Some family, but mostly just finances. I’m also constantly wondering if I’m ever going to get to be a parent and the answer that keeps popping up is “no.” I feel like in a world where no one knows who I am, there’s also not enough space for me. Are my feelings too big? Am I just too small? I don’t know.

I walked towards a large parked truck earlier, day dreaming it was headed for me at full speed. I felt peaceful. Probably because I knew it was parked, but maybe because in that moment I wouldn’t mind it. In my dark thoughts, I’ve been thinking about death often. I don’t think I’d take my own life, but I’m back to where I wouldn’t mind if it happened. Is that bad? Probably. But it’s honest.

I’ve been falling into alcohol more lately. I was okay before, never really needing to drink, just doing it for fun. Now, I’m feeling like I’m relying on it more and more. I think it’s just the stress of knowing all of my bills are constantly rolling over me like waves. Every time I get up to take a breath, I’m met with more water. I feel like I’m drowning every day.

I had a dream a few months ago I wanted to write down, but I’ve just felt like it’s not even worth writing my thoughts down, even though I feel better after I do.

I had a dream my mom told me about this coworker we used to have who had a blog (all true), but she was telling me she wrote a new blog post and she read through the entire website and even told all of her friends to do it. I remember feeling a little defeated in the dream, but also happy for the coworker.

4.26.2026

Today I was supposed to meet up with my grandmother to talk about how we’re drifting from each other. It’s also my sister-in-law’s birthday (and my childhood best friend’s). I set my alarm to get up around 11:00 AM because we went to the SatchVai concert last night at the Amphitheater and also my grandmother said she was getting her haircut at 10:30 AM, so I figured I’d be safe since it takes me about 30 minutes to get ready from the bed to the door and she was across town. Then she texted me about 11:30 AM saying that she was running behind which was fine because I was way more hungover than I thought I’d be and we didn’t go to bed until late last night. I lost my mind last night too from all of the stress.